Some Reflections at 6 Days Old

Yesterday afternoon, our little family of three finally made it home from the hospital, and despite Zach and I's exhaustion, I cannot even express how thankful we are to finally be here. Now that we've had a few days to get to know Charis and to reflect back on the scary events of last Wednesday, I've been able to process the day a little more than I did in the whirlwind of her birth. Here are some random thoughts and emotions that we've shared over the past few days. . .

1. A few nights ago I asked Zach how far he had let his mind go before Charis' birth in terms of dealing with the reality that we might actually lose her. Both of us admitted that in those few hours of uncertainty, we had both thought about that possibility seriously, even though it was obviously difficult to even fathom what that would mean in our lives. Questions came in my mind like, "What will I do in the fall since I have no job?" or "Would we have a funeral or memorial service for her?" or "What would we do with all of her baby shower presents?" and most fearfullly, "How would we have the strength to cope with such a loss in our lives?" As much as I didn't want to think about these questions, the reality was that losing her was a very definitive possibility. As I laid on the operating table, I called to mind Psalm 139 where I thanked the Lord for creating little Charis perfectly in my womb. The part of that passage that really caught my attention in that moment was the verse that says, " You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed" (Psalm 139:16). I tried to give her back again to the Lord and trust that each moment of her life had been ordained for a purpose - even if it were to end in the next few hours. From the beginning of time, God knew his plans for little Charis, and I tried to force myself to trust and rest in that knowledge as fear and emotion gripped my heart, as well. As I was trying to cling to those verses during the operation, Zach said that the Lord had given him the verses from Job 1: "You give and take away. Blessed be the name of the Lord." He knew Charis was not necessarily our own, but a gift given to us by the Lord for a specific reason. If it were her time to be taken back home to be with Jesus, he wanted to be able to still stand on that verse and hopefully live it if she were to not make it through the operation.

2. I must admit that my post-partum emotions have been a bit out of control, and there have been a few times already where I have literally gone from crying to laughing hysterically back to crying in the matter of about 3 minutes. One of those times (well, okay, at least just a "crying" time) happened last night when I was singing to Charis as I fed her. I began to sing "Great Is Thy Faithfulness" (yes, I know, I probably should have seen the tears coming), but this song that I've sung hundreds of times throughout life hit me in an entirely new way in that moment.

"Great is thy faithfulness,
Great is thy faithfulness,
Morning by morning new mercies I see."

The phrase "morning by morning" hit me hard as I considered the morning of her birthday when God mercifully allowed me to sense that something was wrong with her movements and act on the apprehension immediately. Our doctor told us more than once that if we would have come into to the hospital sometime in the evening of that day rather than the morning, we would have lost her. Morning by morning new mercies I see. What mercy we saw on the morning of July 14 in the life of our little girl.

As if that wasn't poignant enough, I continued on to verse three:

"Pardon for sin and a peace that endureth
Thine own dear presence to cheer and to guide,
Strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow
Blessings all mine and ten thousand beside."

The last two lines caught my attention as I thanked the Lord for giving me enough strength for each day (even when feeding every 2-3 hours is admittedly daunting), but it was the last line that finally did me in. I cannot even begin to express how blessed we feel to have made it through such harrowing circumstances and come out with a beautiful, perfect daughter on the other side. Not only that, but the prayer support we've received, as well as the literal help we've been given (receiving meals, friends helping with airport runs, housecleaning, moving, etc.) has been overwhelming. I could only wipe tears from my face as I thanked the Lord for what feels like at least "ten thousand" blessings.

3. Speaking of blessings in my life, my husband has been absolutely incredible through this whole experience. He has served me, supported me, loved me, pampered me, changed way more dirty diapers than me, stayed by my side through the whole process, comforted me, held me, prayed for and with me. . . and he is also completely smitten with Charis, which is one of the sweetest parts to watch. As we prepare to celebrate just one year of marriage on August 1, I feel more in love with my wonderful husband than ever. I cannot wait to walk this journey of parenthood with him for the rest of our lives.

Charis is beginning to stir beside me, so it looks like the feeding/diaper changing festivities are about to begin again. Thank you, Lord, for this blessing of new life.